Just some words...

lessons learned

2011-12-27T23:18:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I posted.
Gonna try and reflect on the lessons learned over the past few months.

• don't put plans on hold for a dude. he may not be moving at the same speed you are.
• if there's a lie...there's probably plenty more where that came from. move on.
• follow your intuitions
• make changes sooner rather than later
• take each day for what it is and don't make lofty future plans. if things end, it won't be as devastating.
• give everything you've got. maybe he's not worth it, but it's good practice for the right one.

8.19

2010-08-19T10:53:00.000-04:00

it's been 5 months.

so unbelievable.

West Coast Tour - June 8

2010-06-08T11:46:00.003-04:00

Designing stuff in the hotel before we take off for the day.
So glad I can work on the road like this.

We've had an interesting couple of days...hoping the rest of the trip goes smoothly.

Climbed out onto the ridges of the Grand Canyon yesterday.
Made friends with a squirrel.
Saw the stars last night from the hood of my car.
It's a good story we're making.

Phoenix!

2010-06-02T23:02:00.002-04:00

Day 1:
L-L
W-L-W
W-W

Games tomorrow at 8am. Bleh.

It's warm and dry here. Haven't seen much outside of the convention center though.

The boy has traveled through 4 states today.
Can't wait to see him tomorrow.
Glad the Honda is holding up.

!!!!!summer fever!!!!!

2010-05-28T03:16:00.004-04:00

!FIST PUMP!

I'm so friggin excited about:
VCU semester is over!
CreateAthon onCampus production is finished!
I get paid for that production work soon!
No more grades, tests or lesson plans! (until August at least)
Phoenix trip for volleyball in less than a week!
Lee's show tomorrow!
Flash Catalyst training today!
Having lunch brought to me and being taken out for dinner in the same day!

!!DOUBLE FIST PUMP!!

Being nominated for the Events-Promotions committee chair at Roller Derby!
Having a great week of practice after a long break!
Body painting session Monday!
New client prospects!
Learning more about web and video!
Locally Owned Richmond!
Church Hill Newsletter!
Applying for jobs!
Books!

West Coast Tour!

!FIST PUMP!

bliss

2010-05-10T11:59:00.001-04:00

Doubts have subsided.
The bad habits and fears that are still with me come out sometimes to make things seem different than they are.

Stressful and weird week has become proof of how it works.
Really excited for our summer trip.

settling

2010-05-04T01:56:00.004-04:00

It's not enough to be comfortable.

Doubts.

Damn...already.

Missing

2010-03-14T16:34:00.004-04:00

It's nice to miss someone when they aren't around.
It reminds me of the space they occupied before they went away.

4262 for kids logo development

2010-03-12T16:55:00.001-05:00

Posted via email from shapes and colors

2009 top FB status words

2010-03-07T21:42:00.003-05:00

Top Words in Status Updates
1): thanks - used 8 times
2): making - used 7 times
3): friends - used 7 times
4): volleyball - used 7 times
5): work - used 6 times
6): working - used 6 times
7): listening - used 6 times
8): trying - used 6 times
9): beach - used 6 times
10): good - used 5 times

but not so sure when...

2010-03-05T21:00:00.001-05:00

The dude cancels a hangout over text.
What?!

This is how you know when a dude is legit...

2010-03-04T05:06:00.004-05:00

He wakes up at 4:50am to help you find tickets for a show.
And when you can't find the tickets, he doesn't get irritated at all but says:

"I'm just glad I got the chance to talk to you."

Swoon.

USA Volleyball Nationals Tournament - Phoenix, AZ

2010-03-02T13:24:00.001-05:00

Women's BB plays Wednesday, June 2 - Saturday, June 5

USAV Tournament Site

Our team, FN Awesome, has exactly 3 months to train, raise / save money and prepare for the tournament.

I'm thinking of going the whole week, but need to figure out what kinda cash flow I need for that to happen.

I've never been to Phoenix so I want to find out what art and music might be going on while we're out there.

Looks like this is a good place to start: Phoenix Showup

Posted via email from shapes and colors

And it just keeps getting better

2010-02-22T02:04:00.003-05:00

Thinking of going to SXSW.
It seems possible since spring break from school is that week.

I got a call from a potential new client Friday. Need to write up an estimate by Tuesday, but it sounds promising.

Had a great vball tourney yesterday. Our team was undefeated and we all had a great time together.

Great neighborhood party this weekend with good hang time with pals.

Meeting tons of amazing people in Richmond through Locally Owned Richmond and others who are connecting to it.
There are people here who are really trying to make a difference. It's awesome.

Twenty10 energy

2010-02-18T16:03:00.001-05:00

Locally Owned Richmond
River City Roller Girls
House of Lukaya
Battlefield Stone
Blessed Events
CreateAthon on Campus
Spring Break in StL - Jay-Z show
Junior Graphic Designer - Emeryville, CA
Volleyball Nationals in May - Phoenix, AZ

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

Junior Graphic Designer

2010-02-18T15:43:00.001-05:00

Jolinda Smithson,

Thank you for your interest in Scientific Certification Systems, Inc. Your Cover Letter & Resume has been received in consideration for the Junior Graphic Designer position. Applications submitted without the requested information will not be considered. Please, no phone calls.

We will contact you if your credentials are a good match. Good luck in your job search!

SCS - Certification for a sustainable world

www.SCSCertified.com

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

Valentines Twenty10, part 2

2010-02-16T23:05:00.003-05:00

Just when I thought the day couldn't get any better, I get reminded of a show some friends are playing.
And I go out on a school night.

Walking in the door, I notice someone.
Who I later meet.
And hang out with.
And I meet the other band members who are cool.
And we all hang out and drink the cheap wine I bought earlier in the day.
It's awesome.
And I feel really fortunate being a part of it.
And it ends with me leaving my friends' house the next morning at 7am so I can go teach.

Sigh, what a great fucking v-day....

when it snows...

2010-02-14T21:00:00.004-05:00

...it keeps coming down.

El Niño year.
Most rainy fall season in forever.
And this year it's snowed just as much.
The weekends are for snow lovers.
Classes have been canceled.
Roads are a mess.
People have died from wrecks.
It's cray cray.

Don't know when I started back the dating season...but since I've been ambivalent about it, things seem to be going ok.

The coffee shop guy is a total hottie.
I still have a major crush on the the drummer, but I don't see him anymore.
The neighborhood friend that everyone thinks is into me only hangs out occasionally.
The married dudes and engaged guys seem to be maintaining their ladies and leaving me alone for the time being at least....thank Gawd.

RVA is still packed to the gills with social -tardos but this week has been pretty fun.
Thursday night got two invitations to hang out for the weekend.
Friday night dinner, a walk, music and vegan ice-cream. Super awesome guy. No sparks yet but definite potential.
Texts and then another short hang out on Sunday.

Saturday night drink with an ooooooold boy from a year ago. "Coffee" as Bobby affectionately named him.
We chatted for a while and then took a drive to his house for coffee + cocoa and some more catching up.
There are plans to get together this week. He's started freelancing as a fabricator / furniture designer and wants to exchange some ideas. Looking forward to it.
Remember being twisted up about him a year ago, but didn't feel that way this time. It was very friendly and comfortable.

Ran into a painter / designer I see all the time around town who has a studio. I may end up renting a part of it. Went over to see the space and his work. He's pretty great. Not sure of his status, but will definitely keep in touch to see where the art collab space may go.

Spent Valentine's Day twenty10 with great friends and a few new acquaintances. It's been a nice day.

new work just added to Jolinda.com, Design & Illustration

2010-01-08T06:58:00.001-05:00

Check it:
www.jolinda.com

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mmmmm

2009-12-29T16:43:00.001-05:00

I am totally digging these dudes with trucks.

the list, resurrected

2009-12-08T23:34:00.002-05:00

I officially stopped dating, or trying any semblance of that charade about 3 months ago.
But today I realized I'm making a little mental checklist of the cute boys I see as I go about my week.
It's nice...and reminds me that there might be a time when I'm ready to give Richmond men another chance.

the new cook
a few dudes at VCU
the coffee shop / non-profit guy
those grad students
a painter
the new guy at volleyball
the friend of a friend

I'm happy that they all seem a lot less douche-y than the dudes I've been into before.
I am practicing my sweet smile and my flirt-flirt.
It's pretty fun.

491

2009-10-08T13:32:00.001-04:00

Dear Ms. Smithson,

I am pleased to accept your painting of the girl in the blue room for publication in 491 Magazine.

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

Flight #2

2009-10-06T17:27:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

flight #1 booked

2009-09-29T16:28:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

...and how it really went down...

2009-09-10T01:55:00.001-04:00

Always a little bit messier in real life.

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

9.9.09

2009-09-09T00:32:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

what's awesome...

2009-08-30T22:55:00.002-04:00

is that I left my phone charger in Virginia Beach.

And my battery is dead.
And this happens all the time.

AND I'm totally okay with that.

day 2

2009-08-21T16:09:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

1st day - return to teaching

2009-08-20T13:35:00.001-04:00

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so now I have a decision to make

2009-08-18T12:43:00.002-04:00

Just got a call from the university.

They want to know if I'll teach another class.
Tuesdays and Thursdays, 9:30 - 11:00.
That would be perfect, except it will cut down my jetting time to mainly the weekend.

Sigh...what to do...what to do.

The financials are suggesting that I accept.
It would help to have that income set for the next few months.

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

1st draft of the itinerary

2009-08-16T01:42:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

let's go

2009-08-16T00:17:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from Jolinda's posterous

i want to make art like...

2009-08-13T10:04:00.002-04:00

...Radiohead.

Like Thom Yorke sings and writes lyrics.
Like the rest of the band that wraps around and builds him up and intertwines to make
music that I can listen to for days and never get tired of.
And songs that I can have on repeat for hours at a time.
It's like porn for my ears.

The bass lines are sick.
Everything is unified and pulling and layered and smooth all at once.

My obsession is renewed.
And supposedly they have a new album coming out soon?

Sigh....this could get ugly.

3rd, et al

2009-07-23T18:16:00.002-04:00

I added a third to the list.
It was pretty decent.

One more to double the number before 30. My old roommate and I jokingly said that should be a goal of mine.

I only have 2 months until that milestone, so it's not likely.
But I'm okay with that.

I'm adding more potentials to the list...and scratching others off...every few days or so.

At least I'm not as much of a hater.
So that's a step in the right direction.

letting stuff go

2009-07-08T01:12:00.003-04:00

June 19, 2004 I got married.
On a Tuesday in May, 2006 I walked out of my house in Chesterfield County.
I never went back to live there.
September 12, 2007, my divorce was final.
(I just looked up this stuff because I had to submit paperwork to roll over some 401(k) moneys from my teaching job back when my last name was different.)

I am going to be 30 in 2 months.
I am the brokest I've ever been.
I have been single for the longest time in my life since before I liked boys.
I don't own a home.
I don't have kids.
And I'm not sure I want to ever get married again.

I don't do certain things very often that I used to feel obligated to....
church
exercise
brushing my hair
calling my mother
using an alarm clock
working 40+ hours every week
grocery shopping

I feel really selfish about my time and energy and emotions most of the time.
And I'm starting to be okay with that.

My compass used to be set based on my parents, or church, or career, or friends.
But now I mostly operate based on this question...

Do I want to?

Not:
Is it right?
Is it wrong?
What will "they" think?
How will "they" feel?
What am I supposed to do?

I still have a pretty strong internal voice that keeps me on track with my responsibilities and with big moral and ethical issues. And I'd like to think that I'm able to give adequate time and energy to the people I really care about.
But I'm trying to let go of the small stuff.
The things I'm hanging onto because someone else thought I should.

Lists part 1: jobs

2009-07-06T18:52:00.003-04:00

Jobs:
Red Orange - part-time now, ending at the end of this month
Hoople - per project, just got a few jobs last week with a few more coming this week
Captain Buzzy's - least-financially-lucrative but most stable
Cities for Small Towns - going SO SLOW, partly because of conflicting schedules, partly because of redirection / indecision

Potential jobs:
restaurant services logo - sent an estimate, business owner won't pull the trigger
music label - sent an estimate, business owner hasn't responded one way or the other
non-profit science teacher website - estimate sent, waiting for the project to start
financial company - estimate sent but one of the members ended up working with a buddy of his

Just applied for:
web designer for a financial company downtown - looks like near where I worked before, ugh, flashbacks
contract creative services support with Media General - could be interesting if it's not full-time
graphic artist with the state of va - looks like billboard animation and graphics, meh
graphic / web designer with state of va
web designer for comsys? - wtf

June 1 and I can't concentrate

2009-06-01T12:22:00.002-04:00

George

Volleyball player.
Tall.
Dark.
Handsome.
Plays guitar.
Used to sing in his band.
Soft-spoken.
Loves great music.
Amazing thick Boston accent.
Sweet smile.

We became friends at Nationals.
He ditched his team to hang out with our friends the last night.
He said he didn't dance, but he danced with me a few times.

It feels like I've missed him for a month...even though I saw him less than 48 hours ago.

I want to write to him.
But he's got a gf so I won't.

I'm writing this instead.

One day I hope to find someone like you George!

Sigh....ok, back to work.

Seattle, finale (Set adrift)

2009-05-27T19:05:00.003-04:00

Day 2 in Seattle, I wake up at J's friend's house and we all watch some videos and drink some coffee before heading back to Capitol Hill.
We have amazing coffee (I got a latte) at The Bambino cafe near N's house in Bellevue? (can't remember the name of the area)
Driving back down 99, we cross from that section of Seattle into the downtown area, past Seattle Center and back up the hill. We walk to get breakfast and talk about life, and decisions, and dreams. It's awesome. And I remember why I was drawn to this person in the first place. That sense of passion for something. And that urgency to make your mark and have your art out there for people to see. When I mention wanting to go abroad, he says he can see me in Europe.

We climb out of his bedroom window onto the roof to hang out and I eat my breakfast sandwich while he plays his last two songs. He can't sing them because it's too noisy outside and they're quiet songs. But the music is awesome and seems to be telling a story even without the words. He has been doing a lot on acoustic guitar lately.

He takes a break and I play with the guitar. I know a couple of songs by now, that actually sound like what they're supposed to. But I can only practice until they sound okay...and it's taken me two years to get anywhere. I'm not at the level to write anything...or even be able to sing and play at the same time. Either my voice stops or my fingers do. I try something, but I'm so nervous that sounds don't even come out. I hum a little, and then just give up trying to sing. It's so hard to do this in front of someone that's so good at it.

It gets to hot on the roof, so we climb back inside and he sings in his room. I feel so fortunate to have this concert for 1. Of course I love every note and chord, but he's critical of all of it. And says it never quite sounds as good as he'd like it to.

We go outside on the front yard to sit, then he's hungry. We walk down to a Chinese restaurant where we are the only non-Chinese patrons. The waitress is super friendly and they bring carts around with food and he picks stuff for us to eat. We talk and eat and I'm enjoying this time. It doesn't seem like we got to do this back home. Walking back up the hill, we take a scenic route and he's picking flowers the whole way back. The colors here are so effing gorgeous!

The afternoon ends with a nap / book on a blanket in the front yard. The sun is really hot, but there's a cool breeze. We talk about trying to get on a ferry ride later, or meeting up, but then he's gotta go to work. By the time he leaves, he's in a foul mood and that pretty much continues the rest of the trip.

Thankfully, his friend and her cousin are extremely hospitable to me so I hang with them some the next day. We go to the Northwest Folklife festival, a free music, arts and crafts festival in Seattle Center. J's gotta work that night too. He tried to meet us downtown, but had a rough time getting stuff together that morning and before I meet up with him, he decides to leave. He can't take the crowd. N's worried, but I just call once to tell him where we are and to call if he wants. Late that night when he's rolling silverware, he calls us and explains how a waitress has walked out and the restaurant was slammed the whole time. Still in a foul mood.

I don't see him before I leave, but we chat on the phone before I fly out. He says it's the worst weekend ever for a friend to be there. And I try not to take it personally. I think he was stressed about trying to show me stuff while not having a lot of time before going to work. But I am glad that I got to see where he lives, and get to know N. and her cousin and friends. They have all been so awesome. He's still thinking too much, and worrying too much, and affected by the slightest things. But I see something good through the haze of all of the moodiness and awkwardness.

He reminds me of a friend I have in New York. And I love her to death. It's hard not to love a moody artist.
I see a lot of myself in them.

So he may be coming back east at the end of the year. I won't count on seeing him, but I will enjoy it if I do.

Seattle has been so amazing.

I call my daddy before the flight out and tell him I want us to take a family vacation out there so he and my mom can see what a beautiful place it is. I think they'd really enjoy it.

After a 4-hour flight to Milwaukee, a 2-hour layover and a 1-hour flight into Minneapolis, I'm at the hotel with my team.
I get sad for a little while, when I start looking through the pictures and the video I shot of J. playing that day. I wish I'd gotten to see him once more before I left. It will probably be a long time before I see him or talk to him again.

But, that's the way it goes.......I guess.

- - - - - - - - -

USAV Nationals. Our team is 1-3 after the first day.
We all have good moments, but we need to string some good moments together so we can win more.
All-in-all, though, it's a good day.

Hoping to seek out a good club tonight, start early, drink, dance my ass off, and then get to bed so I can be up in time to work the match tomorrow at 8am.

The trip to Seattle, p2

2009-05-24T11:23:00.004-04:00

Started the day at a coffee shop in J's neighborhood called Soho.
Cute local place that started the day off right for me.

Reason #1: Radiohead on the Pandora every third or fourth song
Reason #2: Free wifi
Reason #3: Great coffee and egg, cheese and tomato english muffin

Everybody in the place seemed friendly and talkative, but not overly so. I'm wondering if it's the way people are here or if it's just that I seem more open and friendly to people since I'm on vacation and a bunch of my social walls get broken down when I'm traveling.
It could be because of the goofy grin on my face since I'm still in shock about being in Seattle.

I double check directions and leave Soho around 11, texting some people I'm supposed to meet up with.

I am completely unprepared for the total effing gorgeousness that I will see on the way from Seattle to The Gorge.
Water, sky, bridges, rocks, trees, flowers, snow-capped mountains, streams, farms, rolling hills.
EVERYTHING is so clear and beautiful. I'm taking tons of pictures and trying to drive at the same time. (I know, BAD BAD)
But I can't help it. I have never seen anything like this. I start to get a headache from changing focus so much. I can't stop looking around! I want to soak it all in. I am seeing the source of countless stock photography shots that I've used in marketing materials. And there really is no photoshop needed. These colors and textures....wow, speechless.

Once I get to the site, the traffic is pretty sparse since it's late in the day. I drive into the day parking lot, without having to pay? Ok, cool.

I get out of my car and it's pretty hot by this time so I grab my sunscreen and my bag and head off to find a ticket. I hear other people all around asking for tickets too, so I'm thinking this might not be as easy as I thought.
I walk up to the front gate, expecting to see people with stacks of tickets like at every other festival I've been to...but no. These scalpers are slick. They have signs saying THEY need tickets. It takes me a while to spot them because they look like people that are actually trying to attend the festival.

While I'm waiting around up front, I meet Tasha, a graphic designer from Portland who's there with her boyfriend, also trying to buy tickets.
A scalper offers to sell us his ticket for 175. Holy crap. No way.
Another one later in the day offers his for 150. At some point I hear 120. What the hell?
I'd rather just drive back to the river and hang out in nature...or chill at the gate for a bit and hear some of the bands for free.
I finally tell myself I'm okay with paying 100. So I tell some of the scalpers that, and they laugh at me and say that's what they paid. They have a system down and I'm finally figuring this out. They are shuttling each other back and forth from the entrance to parking down to the entrance for the show. I actually see a scalper buy a ticket from a girl for 100...he was agressive so I couldn't ask her first...and then in 10 seconds resell it to another person for 120. And he knew I'd been trying to actually get into the festival for about 2 hours at this point.

I started to get a little more aggressive and actually ask the people passing me if they have extra tickets. A girl walks by and says she might...but wait and she'd let me know. I figured she was just being polite.
She comes back from will call and doesn't have them, but she tells me good luck.

About 30 minutes later, I decide to give it one last try back out at the entrance to parking so I walk the half mile back up there and start asking people on the way. No luck. I walk down the row of cars arriving asking if people have extras they want to sell. It's humiliating doing this, but most people are pretty nice.

About the 5th car back, there are 4 girls in an SUV. And one of them is the girl I talked to before. She tells me they're going BACK up to will call to get their tickets and that if it's successful, I can get it. Awesome!
They ask me if I'd like to ride with them back up to the gate. Holy crap yes.

They are super friendly and offer me some goldfish and ask me how my day has gone. I tell them I'm about to just wander by the river instead of pay a fucking scalper 175 for a ticket. I'm hot and tired. And sad that people are so selfish and can keep actual fans of the music from attending a show just so they can make more money.

We get back to will call and hop out. One of the girls offers me a PBR. We get to talking about where we're from. The driver tells me she lived back east for a while. And works in the record industry. And knows people in DC and a girl in Richmond....who might be dating my friend?!?!? Such a small world.

Ticket girl gets back with 2 comps and I offer to buy one for 80 (the last ticket sales prices were 79) but am fully prepared to pay 100. The scalpers are following her and yelling in her ear that they'll pay 100 and 120 for her tickets. Driver girl and ticket girl look at each other. And driver girl says, "I really want this girl to have this ticket." So I think, sweet! At least I'll get first dibs at buying it.

But then they say, "yeah, thanks, but we'd like you to HAVE this ticket. We'll sell the other one to the scalper guy."

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

These girls have made my day. And have turned out to be some amazing people. Even before they gave me the ticket, they were taking care of me. But with the ticket. Whoa. I tell them how thankful I am and how much I appreciate what they've done. I'm still in shock, actually. Such kindness when they could've just made money.

------

So I get to see:

Animal Collective (for a few songs)
Sun Kil Moon (in passing)
Ra Ra Riot (awesome)
Mos Def (crappy start, but strong finish)
Bon Iver (words can't describe)
Kings of Leon (also awesome)

And the Bon Iver show was worth it alone.

I head back to Seattle at 11:30 and drive around the city with bad directions from 2:30 to around 4:00.
But finally find my friend. He's hanging out with some peeps, celebrating a birthday.
And we make a 4am grocery run.
Yeah, they have 24-hour grocery stores here.

Get back to the friend's house and I crash on the floor as they make food.
It's the best sleep I've had in a while and Justin Vernon sings to me again in my dream.

The trip to Seattle

2009-05-23T14:14:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I'm even here yet.
I've done work this morning, so it doesn't feel different from when I'm in Richmond, and I drive to a coffee shop and freelance.

I got in last night after a 2 hour flight from Richmond to Atlanta, a sprint through the airport (since we landed 15 minute before the next flight took off), and a freezing 5 1/2 hour flight into Seattle.

On the first flight, I start reading a book that I think was recommended by the friend I'm going to see (and I later confirm this). It's called "the perks of being a wallflower." I can only get through chapter 1 because I tear up about 3 times and it gets harder not to cry with each paragraph...so I have to put it away. One of the lines that I remember is: "we accept the love we think we deserve"
It's a coming-of-age story about a teen boy in high school, but I feel like the author has cracked open my head and is writing things from my subconscious. So much has struck a chord with me in this book. It's a little scary.

I land and drive from the airport to the Irish Pub where my friend works. It took maybe 10 minutes. He told me to come there first and he'd buy me a drink before last call. I stopped to get a couple 6-packs at a convenience store, and got "hollered at" by about 5 dudes in the parking lot and in the store. Not sure what they'd call that out here, but I'd been in the city for 15 minutes and already got more attention than I ever get in Richmond....not that it's the type of attention I'm looking for, but still.
Someone told me Seattle was full of single dudes and the ladies are outnumbered...maybe that's true.

I got to the bar and he came outside to make sure I got to the right place and then ran back in to make my drink. Long hair and a thick beard. All black still. Red shoes. Makes me smile.

When I'm waiting for him to get off work, two dudes in the bar befriend me and ask me about Sasquatch. It's fun. Talking to strangers like I'm used to it. The bouncer yells for us all to leave, but then says that "Miss Virginia" can stay.

"Do you have one of those cute Virginia accents?" he asks me.

"I do"

"Oh, yeah, you do!"

Two words and they can tell.

I take my friend to the car he's borrowing, and on the way he notices I'm not listening to any music. He offers his CD's. I can choose the new Animal Collective, a jazz cd or Explosions in the Sky. I'll take Explosions in the Sky, since I've never actually heard it.

We drive east toward the house but on the way, he pulls over at an overlook so we can check out the view of the city at night from West Seattle. It's lovely. And reminds me of a time in Libby Hill Park, when we walked and talked and looked at the skyline in Richmond. He tells me how beautiful this place is and how he can't wait to show me around over the next couple of days. He says the view goes on forever.

His house is a decent size. He's got several roommates, but a proper room and a proper bed. We sit up and talk for a bit and listen to jazz and sinatra. He's a gentleman and offers me the bed and makes a palette on the floor for himself. He lights a candle and then puts on celestial harmonies as we fall asleep.

Seattle has been awesome so far.

Don't

2009-05-21T17:50:00.001-04:00

Read this from a friend today:

Don't give temporary people permanent positions.

Truth.

it's official

2009-05-20T16:11:00.001-04:00

Bon Iver albums...or anything sung by Justin Vernon...are my 2009 makeout soundtrack.

SEA and MSP, don't let me down!

Goodnight to what I thought could have been your light.

2009-05-03T23:08:00.002-04:00

This made sense to me today.

Supposedly I have a twin

2009-04-23T03:34:00.002-04:00

Judge for yourself.
1
2
3
4

And she also has my birthday. 3 years older according to wiki.

(insert creepy sci-fi sound effect here)

Tax day!

2009-04-15T23:05:00.004-04:00

I start the day with a bit of an afterglow from yesterday.
With butterflies in my stomach, I write to a cute boy to ask if he'd like to chuck a discus sometime.

But that quickly disintegrates into a low level panic.

Tax day.
I don't know where my W2's are.
I need to file an extension.
Don't know how.
And numbers and me have not been cool since 8th grade.
Can't worry about this yet.

My second client meeting with an amazing band is at 2pm.
I need to assemble my portfolio and samples.
Trying to decide what to bring.
Need to go get things printed out.
Running out of time.
Worried about how the meeting will go.
And this dang rain!

I get there early but I feel sick and can't eat. And I take a few deep breaths.
And they all come in. And it feels like I'm about to be judged or picked apart.
But we start talking and it goes well.
And I think the portfolio looks pretty good despite all the faults I see in it.
I'm feeling better about this now.
We trade ideas and vision and a deposit is made.
And we move forward with the project. EEEEeeeee!!!!!
First independent client ever. Whoa.
Still in shock.

Go to another meeting and pick up some missing tax paperwork.

And a nice boy sends sweet texts to me and encouraging words when he finds out I had a successful day.
And then I can't do ANY real work the rest of the day I am so distracted.
I call my mom.
I come home and dance off some of that energy while listening to The Kills.
And the boy tells me he's had a lovely day because of a song. A cover of "Where is my Mind" by the Pixies.
He sounds awesome already.

I try to settle down and attend to my taxes finally.
I know I'm in trouble, but I try to fill out what I can.
I wonder if I just make up numbers for an extension if that's punishable by fines or jail time.
In the midst of thinking about my possible criminal record, my phone rings.
It's my accountant calling to say she filed an extension for me on Monday.
Holy effing yes.

Trying to get back to work and I find an email from a hometown friend who wants me to meet with her boss next week about redesigning their business logo and identity. Another potential client.

Tonight a different boy calls my voicemail to say he's sorry we can't hang out because he's got too much work.
He says he wants to hear my voice so I call him back and it's a nice talk.
He says he misses me and wishes he could see me.
And I don't know if that's true but it's nice of him to say in any case.
But jobs are more important to him than people. And I don't feel that way. So it probably won't work.

And I have a ton of work to do now. While listening to Ray LaMontagne.
It has been a surprisingly amazing though rainy and dreary tax day.

Still holding out hope that the discus boy will say yes....

what i should have done and what i did

2009-04-15T02:02:00.002-04:00

I should have:
stayed home to clean
done my taxes
prepped my portfolio for a meeting tomorrow
worked on getting some more jobs

However, instead, I:
went to the show
talked to my crush
drank a bit too much
looked him in the eye and crushed a bit harder
had an amazing night

Cambodia, you're so lucky.

don't waste your time

2009-04-04T18:27:00.002-04:00

My friends today have advised against patience.
They have told me to not waste time on someone who doesn't seem to have a genuine interest or who is sending mixed signals.

If you are interested in someone you make time for them. Period.
I'm tired of feeling confused.
So I will try to devote energy elsewhere.

And that makes me sad.

I have happiness in my heart

2009-04-02T15:50:00.004-04:00

Drawing and painting over the last few days has really refreshed my spirit.
I am supposed to be doing this.
But I've let so much other crap get in the way.

I have started a project just drawing and painting close friends.
After that, who knows what's next.
2 down, 9 to go.

patience

2009-03-27T05:59:00.003-04:00

My tendency is to want to know or project the outcome of a situation as soon as it begins. I have no patience. And I'm a very black and white person. It is what it is. I'm either all in, or heading out the door.

I want to know how I relate to a person or a situation and I envision how the future looks between myself and the person or situation. I've had encounters with people where I knew instantly that we would be great friends. I have also walked into situations that I knew would be awful and left as quickly as possible.

I don't kid myself that I have any sort of futuristic vision or anything like that...I just notice lots of details.
The change in a tone of voice. The pause on the other end of the phone line. The wording in a letter...or the missing words when someone's just not saying certain things.

I guess I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to my everyday dealings with people. And I have an excellent memory.
So I'm constantly seeing, and gathering, and analyzing, and remembering how the current situation or person reminds me in some way of a previous one I've encountered. I have a pretty good bullshit meter most of the time and when my instincts tell me someone is not being honest with me or genuine in their dealings, I usually write them off.

But not everything is black and white all the time.
And people have shades of gray.
I do...though I want to pretend like I don't.

This week, three of my friends have advised me to be patient about a situation / person.

I don't know what will happen. And it makes me squirm.
I want to take control of it in some way. Either by moving it forward or ending it.
But I won't.

This crap is really hard.
But I'm going to try to be...

patient.

i have rage in my heart

2009-03-17T02:46:00.002-04:00

I really shouldn't.
But I do.

Rain.
Missing car.
Stupidfuckingcityofrichmondstreetcleaningbullshit.
Plans out the window.
Callous neighbor.
"That's what they put the signs up for"

Get a ride to the southside through stupid rush hour traffic.
Parkish cunt at the tow place.
Rude.
Nasty.
Power trip.
Walk through the rain to get the car.

Drive back to work out.
Gym is too crowded.
One goddamn squat rack, really?
Dudes upon dudes trying to get at it.
I wait...and wait...and wait.

Tripping over people trying to get to things.
Why are they all here NOW?
Need a weight.
Can I grab one of these? No?
That's why there's a 25 and a 5 that add up to 30, so you don't have to use 3 fucking 10's when other people need them you selfish asshole.
Really?

Get home late.
Too much due.
Deadlines missed.
Files jacked up.
Work flow disrupted.

AND THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIN DRIPS DOWN FROM MY LEAKING PIECE OF SHIT ROOF ONTO MY DESK WHERE MY COMPUTER IS.
My landlord has known about this for months upon months.

Rage.
Pure and simple.

Things I do / have done because of boys

2009-02-28T15:53:00.009-05:00

I wear my watch on my right wrist even though I'm right-handed.
(I had a crush on a boy in my middle school science class who was left-handed and wore his watch on his right wrist. It's become a habit now.)

I run with my fists clenched a certain way because of a boy I had a crush on in high school who I thought had a sexy run.

I play guitar.
(someone I fell in love with played and when we stopped talking I started playing so I could play for myself instead of hoping someone else would play for me)

My sheets have squares on them because a boy I liked said that was his favorite shape. I was thinking of him when I bought new sheets.

I still have a soft spot for R & B music because my first boyfriend was WAY into it and used to sing it to me.

I drink coffee every morning.
(My dad always had coffee in the morning and let me sip it)

As a kid, I took karate and played baseball with my brother.
(The karate was more for Ralph Macchio than my brother)

I listen to Radiohead.
(A boy I liked played it for me when we were in a class together and I was hooked)

I lost confidence in myself and distrusted men I felt close to.
(EN, DV)

I regained confidence and remembered how amazing it is to have great guy friends.
(JC, JS, TP, TW, CC, CF, BS)

9...i'm sorta obsessed

2009-02-19T00:32:00.003-05:00

09 Missy.mp3 - song sent to me today from a boy i haven't heard from in forever

9.9.79 - my bday

9.9.09 - my 30th

9th of October - my parents' anniversary

9 Jolinda Smithson - player number on the list from my new touch football team captain, sent today as well

9th track - many times my favorite song of the album

more later....

why can't i?

2009-02-05T12:21:00.003-05:00

do the things on my list
like update my website
or apply for new jobs
or look for new clients

give up or cut back on
muffins and scones
coffee
thinkin about dudes

make more art
draw
sculpt
paint

wake up before 9
10
11
12

go to bed before 11
12
1
2

i'm not fighting it anymore
but it would be nice
to make progress

sometimes

It's been a while...

2009-01-30T12:35:00.002-05:00

since I've had one of those days. I'm very thankful they don't come often.
For some reason it came yesterday.

There is still some gunk left in my soul from old situations.

Maybe it was a combination of things...
that poem from J yesterday
the conversation with A. about art and drawing again
and my dreams of having a show based on the experiences I've had
seeing my friends who have a relationship that's amazing
exposing my frustration about being single and never being asked out
repeatedly seeing women line up dude after dude...sometimes with no breaks in between them

I don't get it. But it all came flooding in yesterday.

For a little while I didn't want to wake up this morning.

Today is better.

This man's voice

2009-01-27T12:16:00.003-05:00

...gave me chills last night at his show.

check it.

Sigh...

2009-01-21T00:50:00.009-05:00

my list

2009-01-16T02:55:00.004-05:00

This has come up several times with different people so I'm just going to throw this out there.
Things I know I like and I'd choose in a person if I had a choice:
(in no particular order)
certifiably single (common law and reality law)
chill personality (no neat-freaks or punctuality nuts)
artistic or musical in some way
has a steady job / career / something he's passionate about
doesn't live with parents
doesn't need me to be his mom
independent
has his own friends
can stay up late
will sleep in sometimes
is respectful of women and doesn't mind a woman being in charge from time to time
IS ABLE TO BE IN CHARGE AND MAKE DECISIONS WITHOUT FLIP FLOPPING
handy
open-minded, but conservative acting
doesn't have a list of exes (casual or serious) a mile long
athletic
nice butt
can run 3 miles
strong hands
will be patient with my forgetfulness / clumsiness / messiness
is able to hold a conversation with me and my friends
is nice to strangers and children
likes to travel
has been or is a teacher or coach
no smoking
light to no drinking
no drugs
no surprise kids / exes that he doesn't claim
no pets
nice lips
curly hair
will help people in need
is respectful of older people
is not homophobic or racist
can make plans and carry them out (personally and professionally)
likes the ocean and the country
won't make fun of my accent
is confident but not a pompous jerk about it
somewhat stylish (but not metro or femme)
is okay with getting dirty and working hard
at least my height unless he's 110% okay with dating a taller girl (shorter dudes seem to have issues sometimes)

(Plus all the other obvious stuff...has all his teeth, treats me nice, pays his bills, won't be unfaithful, etc. etc.)

Some are more important than others...not all are absolutes.

2009-01-16T02:47:00.007-05:00

aloof

- the connotation is negative, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing

I was wrong.

2009-01-13T17:21:00.001-05:00

Snap shirts and plaid both suck.

As do indie glasses runner boys.

Not even a fucking week. Wow.

A first date

2009-01-07T00:07:00.002-05:00

...with a bearded, indie glasses runner boy in a snap shirt.

Plaid maybe isn't so bad afterall.

online crap, Mr. Intentional

2009-01-04T15:11:00.004-05:00

When you stumble upon words that people have written.
Who once meant something to you...or you meant something to them.
It's hard not to take meaning from their words.

So I wonder if mentioning volleyball, and bump, set, spike and throwing each other off of our game was intentional.

Was it Mr.?

Shows in 2008

2009-01-01T22:21:00.003-05:00

Someone asked me tonight what shows I went to this past year...and that made me want to make a list.

April 1 - Kimya Dawson
April 11 - Ben Folds
June 22 - The National
May 11 - Radiohead in VA
May 14 - Radiohead in St. Louis
May 15 - Basia Bulat & DeVotchka
June 19 - Marionette & Calpurnia
July 29 - MGMT
September 16 - Mogwai
September 24 - Sigur Rós in Chicago
September 25 - Hayden in St. Louis
October 8 - Atmosphere
October 21 - Broken Social Scene
October 28 - Get Out and Vote '08 (Jack Johnson, Beastie Boys, Sheryl Crow, Norah Jones)
November 1 - Of Montreal
November 7 - Mos Def
November 8 - Mark Kozelek in Carrboro
November 12 - Conor Oberst
December 11 - Mills Family Band & David Shultz

NYE 08/09

2008-12-31T17:36:00.004-05:00

I'm hoping the ick that I've started the day with will be banished by the glorious drugs from SP.

I feel like ass and don't feel like celebrating at all. But I will make the crescent rolls and go visit the peeps.
A & G in the hood.
D & M on northside.
M near Carytown....not sure I can swing that, but I'll try.

The busiest evening in weeks and I'm feeling like staying in bed. Bleh.
Still heating the house with the oven. So very sad and hilarious at the same time.
I can't wait to have my own place. Or to move the heck outta the RVA for a while. I need a change.
____________________________

And the more optimistic part of the blog:

The things I'm happy about at the close of 2008....
my friends take care of me | I feel like dating again | tons of stories related to my decision to date again | I don't see the last person that broke my heart...and on the off chance that I do, I feel sorry for him and don't want to be with him | I have steady freelance and a nice boss | I have enough money to travel | I have amazing friends that let me stay with them when I travel | I'm poor enough not to really be affected by the shitty economy | my neighbors are nice | I have breakfast / brunch regularly with awesome peeps | I love where I live (even though I need to get out of here for a while) | I feel loved and supported on NYE 08/09

Love and preciousness everybody.

Christmas Eve 2008

2008-12-24T21:39:00.009-05:00

A lazy beginning to my day.
Distractedly cleaning my house. Half-heartedly working.

Heating the house with the oven. Jen would be crying to see this.

Finally get the motivation to go get my crack coffee from Buzzy's.

Friends at the Hill Café. They close at 9 tonight so we can eat here. Gift the candy to my neighbor who says it looks like I'm delivering drugs.

Buzzy's is empty. I order my food.
My phone rings. It's 4 and I can't believe it.
I finish my order. Answer my phone.

There's time before the ride home. A walk around my favorite part of the city.
I'll wait there so we can walk over together.

Trying to eat now. Trying to breathe. Trying to not be anxious. Trying to read. It's not working.

Red shoes at my table. Walking to Libby Hill. The minutes pass like a flash.
Someone calls. He's saying "my friend Jolinda" to the person on the phone.
I think it's the first time I've heard it spoken.

The park is lovely as usual on this warm, grey day. There's talk of levels and layering of music. Painting colors at dusk. Tweaking parts to create a feeling. Color correction and controlling expression through the details. We're geeking out about the same things, but not the same.

There's a yellow house for sale at the end of the block. In my favorite park. He wants to see it too. We explore. The back yard is awesome. Wouldn't this be a great place for a cookout? Agreed. Amazing view of the city. Quiet block. Old trees. Lots of work though.

Walking and talking. Finding and knowing your own expression. Knowing where you want to go. Having confidence to go your own way. The 3-week trip to the other side.

Excitement about the latest recording.
A new variation. Of course I'd like to hear it. And when I do, I can't help but smile. Sound sculptures. Created piece by piece. I listen to it in the kitchen. Then I have to listen through headphones. It's amazing either way. The vocals, claps, stomps, that piano from the coffee shop, slide guitar fading in and out. I'm so through. And I know it. Actually I've known it for a while now.

It's time to go. Brief hugs. Like the kind between pals.
I try hard not to be disappointed. This has been an awesome time. And I'm glad to have been here. Today.

7 p
Hill Café again. Dinner with my bff SP and K to the J.
It's so nice to have this place close by and open on CE08.
Deliciousness.
I've had a great day.

Saturday.

2008-11-30T04:27:00.003-05:00

Folk music.
Fan.
Drinking glove.
Vans.
Wall street hair.
Gel.
New chucks.
Beards.
Cords.
Random party.
Carnival.
Friends of friends.
Honey whiskey.
Radiohead.
Vinyl.
Sink.
Green design.
SCAD
Can toss.
Balcony.
Warmer inside.
Chin tilt.
Piles of coats.
Oreo cake.
Dance party.
Water.
Music room.
Short walk.
Good company.
Cold rain.
Brief hugs.
Drive home.

Saturday.

nolle prosequi

2008-11-25T01:58:00.003-05:00

I'm really glad those words don't mean I'm arrested.

2 week rule

2008-11-20T01:56:00.002-05:00

Evidently, the jack-holes on match have a 2 week cutoff rule.

It goes like this:
1. Contact the lady
2. Be awesome in everyway
3. Spend meaningful time with the lady
4. Make plans with the lady
5. Fire / flake out on the lady

...all in the course of two weeks.

I give up. I'm going back to missed connections.

why i love/hate/love again Church Hill

2008-11-10T22:14:00.003-05:00

I can walk to work in 30 minutes on a beautiful sunny fall day.
Friendly workmen greet me as I walk by. Greet. Not cat call. Smiles and hellos.

After a long, boring day at work, I can walk back home again through empty streets lit by lamps. The leaves are pretty, even in the dark.

I can walk up to my front door and notice...

that my bike....

is missing.

No.

It's effing stolen.

W! T! F!
UGH!
I hate this neighborhood!
You have to chain and double lock everything down! And my friend gave me that bike for my birthday. Those effers!!! Gawd dammit I hate thieving bastards!

And then...

at 9.

A knock.

On my front door.
It's my neighbor.

He says the roofers who were working on his house saw some boys take some bikes from our porch today. The roofers chased them down in their van. One of the boys dropped a bike and the roofer brought it back. The other bike is gone.

I go across the street and see my other neighbor bringing the bike out onto their porch. I look closely at it, and holy effing ish, it's the bike my friend gave me for my birthday. I thank my neighbors. We introduce ourselves.

Now, I'm making pumpkin bread for them and for the roofers.
I'll deliver it tomorrow.

I love my neighborhood.

the plain girls

2008-11-09T16:22:00.001-05:00

I love how cooler-than-everybody mean spirited scenesters who have no career and live at home can give people labels. Really?

Get a job. Get an apartment. Stop name-calling and judging people like you're still in middle school. Stop trying to pick up people in the same 3-bar cesspool that all your friends have been making history in.

Maybe try being nice to people for a change...even if they're not wearing the latest AmericanApparelUrbanOutfittersNeedSupplyIndieHipsterScenesterSweaterTasticCoolClothes.

Stupid betches that hum along at concerts

2008-11-09T16:16:00.001-05:00

Shut up yo!

Nobody paid or drove 3 hours to hear your ridiculous off-key hummings that compete with the extremely talented musician and singer on stage. We get it. You know ALL of the lyrics. Eat a cookie and get over it.

If I were a ninja, I would chop your windpipe!