patience

My tendency is to want to know or project the outcome of a situation as soon as it begins. I have no patience. And I'm a very black and white person. It is what it is. I'm either all in, or heading out the door.

I want to know how I relate to a person or a situation and I envision how the future looks between myself and the person or situation. I've had encounters with people where I knew instantly that we would be great friends. I have also walked into situations that I knew would be awful and left as quickly as possible.

I don't kid myself that I have any sort of futuristic vision or anything like that...I just notice lots of details.
The change in a tone of voice. The pause on the other end of the phone line. The wording in a letter...or the missing words when someone's just not saying certain things.

I guess I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to my everyday dealings with people. And I have an excellent memory.
So I'm constantly seeing, and gathering, and analyzing, and remembering how the current situation or person reminds me in some way of a previous one I've encountered. I have a pretty good bullshit meter most of the time and when my instincts tell me someone is not being honest with me or genuine in their dealings, I usually write them off.

But not everything is black and white all the time.
And people have shades of gray.
I do...though I want to pretend like I don't.

This week, three of my friends have advised me to be patient about a situation / person.

I don't know what will happen. And it makes me squirm.
I want to take control of it in some way. Either by moving it forward or ending it.
But I won't.

This crap is really hard.
But I'm going to try to be...


patient.

i have rage in my heart

I really shouldn't.
But I do.


Rain.
Missing car.
Stupidfuckingcityofrichmondstreetcleaningbullshit.
Plans out the window.
Callous neighbor.
"That's what they put the signs up for"

Get a ride to the southside through stupid rush hour traffic.
Parkish cunt at the tow place.
Rude.
Nasty.
Power trip.
Walk through the rain to get the car.

Drive back to work out.
Gym is too crowded.
One goddamn squat rack, really?
Dudes upon dudes trying to get at it.
I wait...and wait...and wait.

Tripping over people trying to get to things.
Why are they all here NOW?
Need a weight.
Can I grab one of these? No?
That's why there's a 25 and a 5 that add up to 30, so you don't have to use 3 fucking 10's when other people need them you selfish asshole.
Really?

Get home late.
Too much due.
Deadlines missed.
Files jacked up.
Work flow disrupted.

AND THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIN DRIPS DOWN FROM MY LEAKING PIECE OF SHIT ROOF ONTO MY DESK WHERE MY COMPUTER IS.
My landlord has known about this for months upon months.

Rage.
Pure and simple.

Things I do / have done because of boys

I wear my watch on my right wrist even though I'm right-handed.
(I had a crush on a boy in my middle school science class who was left-handed and wore his watch on his right wrist. It's become a habit now.)

I run with my fists clenched a certain way because of a boy I had a crush on in high school who I thought had a sexy run.

I play guitar.
(someone I fell in love with played and when we stopped talking I started playing so I could play for myself instead of hoping someone else would play for me)

My sheets have squares on them because a boy I liked said that was his favorite shape. I was thinking of him when I bought new sheets.

I still have a soft spot for R & B music because my first boyfriend was WAY into it and used to sing it to me.

I drink coffee every morning.
(My dad always had coffee in the morning and let me sip it)

As a kid, I took karate and played baseball with my brother.
(The karate was more for Ralph Macchio than my brother)

I listen to Radiohead.
(A boy I liked played it for me when we were in a class together and I was hooked)

I lost confidence in myself and distrusted men I felt close to.
(EN, DV)

I regained confidence and remembered how amazing it is to have great guy friends.
(JC, JS, TP, TW, CC, CF, BS)

9...i'm sorta obsessed

09 Missy.mp3 - song sent to me today from a boy i haven't heard from in forever

9.9.79 - my bday

9.9.09 - my 30th

9th of October - my parents' anniversary

9 Jolinda Smithson - player number on the list from my new touch football team captain, sent today as well

9th track - many times my favorite song of the album

more later....

why can't i?

do the things on my list
like update my website
or apply for new jobs
or look for new clients

give up or cut back on
muffins and scones
coffee
thinkin about dudes

make more art
draw
sculpt
paint

wake up before 9
10
11
12

go to bed before 11
12
1
2

i'm not fighting it anymore
but it would be nice
to make progress

sometimes

It's been a while...

since I've had one of those days. I'm very thankful they don't come often.
For some reason it came yesterday.

There is still some gunk left in my soul from old situations.

Maybe it was a combination of things...
that poem from J yesterday
the conversation with A. about art and drawing again
and my dreams of having a show based on the experiences I've had
seeing my friends who have a relationship that's amazing
exposing my frustration about being single and never being asked out
repeatedly seeing women line up dude after dude...sometimes with no breaks in between them

I don't get it. But it all came flooding in yesterday.

For a little while I didn't want to wake up this morning.

Today is better.

This man's voice

...gave me chills last night at his show.

check it.