patience

My tendency is to want to know or project the outcome of a situation as soon as it begins. I have no patience. And I'm a very black and white person. It is what it is. I'm either all in, or heading out the door.

I want to know how I relate to a person or a situation and I envision how the future looks between myself and the person or situation. I've had encounters with people where I knew instantly that we would be great friends. I have also walked into situations that I knew would be awful and left as quickly as possible.

I don't kid myself that I have any sort of futuristic vision or anything like that...I just notice lots of details.
The change in a tone of voice. The pause on the other end of the phone line. The wording in a letter...or the missing words when someone's just not saying certain things.

I guess I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to my everyday dealings with people. And I have an excellent memory.
So I'm constantly seeing, and gathering, and analyzing, and remembering how the current situation or person reminds me in some way of a previous one I've encountered. I have a pretty good bullshit meter most of the time and when my instincts tell me someone is not being honest with me or genuine in their dealings, I usually write them off.

But not everything is black and white all the time.
And people have shades of gray.
I do...though I want to pretend like I don't.

This week, three of my friends have advised me to be patient about a situation / person.

I don't know what will happen. And it makes me squirm.
I want to take control of it in some way. Either by moving it forward or ending it.
But I won't.

This crap is really hard.
But I'm going to try to be...


patient.

i have rage in my heart

I really shouldn't.
But I do.


Rain.
Missing car.
Stupidfuckingcityofrichmondstreetcleaningbullshit.
Plans out the window.
Callous neighbor.
"That's what they put the signs up for"

Get a ride to the southside through stupid rush hour traffic.
Parkish cunt at the tow place.
Rude.
Nasty.
Power trip.
Walk through the rain to get the car.

Drive back to work out.
Gym is too crowded.
One goddamn squat rack, really?
Dudes upon dudes trying to get at it.
I wait...and wait...and wait.

Tripping over people trying to get to things.
Why are they all here NOW?
Need a weight.
Can I grab one of these? No?
That's why there's a 25 and a 5 that add up to 30, so you don't have to use 3 fucking 10's when other people need them you selfish asshole.
Really?

Get home late.
Too much due.
Deadlines missed.
Files jacked up.
Work flow disrupted.

AND THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIN DRIPS DOWN FROM MY LEAKING PIECE OF SHIT ROOF ONTO MY DESK WHERE MY COMPUTER IS.
My landlord has known about this for months upon months.

Rage.
Pure and simple.